Today is...
Bitterness
and Resentment
by Don Jibaro
Bitterness is the response of anger or hatred toward the perception
of unfairness of wrong done to or FROM people; a word that has
become synonymous with anger and spite; bitterness being on the same continuum as anger
and contempt. The differences
are that bitterness is anger directed toward a perceived
higher-status; anger is directed toward a perceived equal-status;
and contempt is anger directed toward a perceived lower-status
individual. "Perceived" being the catalyst but not the rule
(it also means 'understood').
Bitterness can be triggered by an emotionally disturbing experience
felt again or relived in the mind. When the person feeling
bitterness is directing the emotion at himself or herself, it
appears as remorse that can result from a variety of situations,
involving a perceived wrongdoing from an individual, and often are
sparked by expressions of injustice or humiliating incidents.
Factors include accepting negative treatment without voicing any protest, an
object of regular discrimination or prejudice, envy/jealousy,
feeling used or taken advantage of by others, and having
achievements go unrecognized, while others succeed without working
as hard. Bitterness can also be generated by interactions, such as
emotional rejection or denial by another person, deliberate
embarrassment or belittling by another person, or ignorance, putting
down, or scorn by another person.
What's critical about a bitter situation is that you can't notice it
by facial expressions so we have to look for signs such as emotional regulation, faking happiness while with a
person to cover true feelings toward him or speaking in a sarcastic
or demeaning way to or about the person. It can also be diagnosed
through the appearance of agitation- or dejection-related emotions,
such as feeling inexplicably depressed or despondent, becoming angry
for no apparent reason, or having nightmares or disturbing daydreams
about a person.
Generally,
bitterness is strongest when it is felt toward someone whom the
individual is close to or intimate with. To have an injury resulting
in resentful feelings inflicted by a friend or loved one leaves the
individual feeling betrayed as well as resentful, and these feelings
can have deep effects.
Such resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition that, when
unresolved, can have a variety of negative results on the person
experiencing it, including touchiness or edginess when thinking of
the person resented, denial of anger or hatred against this person,
and provocation or anger arousal when this person is recognized
positively.
It can also have more long-term effects, such as the development of
a hostile, cynical, sarcastic attitude that may become a barrier
against other healthy relationships, lack of personal and emotional
growth, difficulty in self-disclosure, trouble trusting others, loss
of self-confidence, and overcompensation and even INSANITY
To further compound these negative effects, a bitterness/resentment
issue often
functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off
communication between the resentful person and the person he or she
feels committed the wrong, and can result in future
miscommunications and the development of further resentful
feelings.
Because of the consequences they carry, resentful
feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Bitterness is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral
relations among persons, and must be handled and expunged via
introspection and forgiveness.
There are five steps to facing and resolving bitter and resentful feelings.
(1)
Identify the source of the resentful feelings and what it is the
person did to evoke these feelings,
(2) Develop a new way of looking
at past, present and future life, including how bitterness has
affected life and how letting go of bitterness can improve the
future,
(3) Write a letter to the source of the bitterness, listing
offenses and explaining the circumstances, then forgive and let go
of the offenses (but do not send the letter),
(4) Visualize a future
without the negative impact of bitterness, and
(5) If resentful
feelings still linger, return to Step 1 and begin again.
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